Deepening

The ocean
Rises powerfully,
Allowing itself to fill out,
Expand
Out and up
Twirling
Curling
Roaring
Exploding
Until it’s moved through
Into
Calm
Sweet
Soothing
Frothy
Foamy
Relaxation

I ride the ocean and I feel good soaking in its freedom, its ups and its downs, its dynamic and organic range.

I wonder, bobbing in the waves, experiencing these pairs of opposites literally running through my body

Does my level of intensity in an experience determine my capacity to experience its opposite?

I think the ocean may have a lot to teach me.

Can I imagine the ocean holding itself back? Keeping itself pent up?? Keeping itself at the top of the wave all the time? Or in the clear, soft stirring above the sand... indefinitely?

Not only would holding this be impossible, but
Where would the “shhhhh” of the foam after the crash be?

The foam that I feel so much delight in scooping up into my hands like I’m in a bubble bath and blowing back into the salty air

Where would the foam be if the ocean stayed...status quo?

And I wonder

Have my painful most excruciating experiences, the moments where I have felt crushed and then ripped apart,
moved me through into an oceanic capacity for feeling love and all its varying forms?

I notice

Having experienced my most trapped moment
I also know what open spaces and freedom feel like

Having felt the sensation of my soul open ripping from my greatest terror
I can also feel the depths of healing and nourishment in my soul

Out of feeling so lonely, my heart feeling scrunched like a raisin,
Held so tightly, I turned inside out
Found myself in the center of a juicy strawberry
And now I taste the ripeness of intimacy
Fresh

Out of feeling helpless and small
I am experiencing flexing my muscles and feeling my strength

Out of what has felt like a bottomless well of sadness in my form
A black hole resting along my edges, pulling me into despair
Letting myself feel this swallowed-in feeling
its rushes and its power
I feel power
I feel what power feels like
I feel how much flesh I am
How much energy
Roaring

Opening 

There are so many ways to be. There are so many ways to see. 

Jim Carrey. 

Meryl Streep.

Jared Leto.

Johnny Depp.

I admire these people in the spotlight because they’re not afraid to embody how the moment is striking them. 

I had this realization the other day. This is just one culture. This is just one way of doing things. Ways I’ve been taught. But if aliens came here, they’d start doing things in a whole different way. Stay with me...

I feel like there’s a way that the "human race" acts. As humans, we have this collective consciousness to do certain things. 

Within the human race there are also many differences. Different ideas on what is "right" and "wrong." 

Why do I put quotes around these words - "human race," "right," "wrong." 

All of them seem to be constructs. Not real. Identities created for us to feel safe. 

I watched this video and the girl is letting herself go crazy. At first I laughed at how wild and out there it was. But on the 20th time watching it (I was so drawn in and initially wasn’t sure why)...
It wouldn't let me embed the video, but this gives you a sense of her intensity. If you have a chance, check it out on my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/singerla, or here: https://www.facebook.com/MattSteeleActs/videos/1131519606940167/ T…

It wouldn't let me embed the video, but this gives you a sense of her intensity. If you have a chance, check it out on my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/singerla, or here: https://www.facebook.com/MattSteeleActs/videos/1131519606940167/
Turn volume off or way down to start ;).

...I started to feel inspired, and then… JEALOUS! That she got to let out that WILDNESS. TOTAL EXPLORATION. FREEDOM. The ferocity that I don’t feel allowed to express in my every day life. And it is me who is not allowing it. I feel afraid of ‘looking bad’ or people thinking I’m bad, crazy, ‘less than’ as a person. 

“It’s too much. Settle down. Think of the homeless people on the street. At least you have money and a roof over your head.” And it’s true. All of that is true.
But what the fuck. I realize I’m not doing myself (or the world for that matter) any favors by re-directing my attention away from my pain, or my WEIRD. And, how good is other people loving me anyway if I don’t love myself? And, are they really loving ME? Do they even know ME? How can they know me if I don't even fill out my own skin? 

And that’s been my big realization this past year. I barely love myself. There are so many parts of myself I feel are "wrong." And I’ve been wondering “why” and “what do I do?” There are so many people who want to tell me how to do that. Everyone seems to have a method to "love yourself" and that is a subject for another blog post. But in any case, the one thing I feel deep in my bones is that self-discovery (and self-love) is my journey to fill out.
I was driving home tonight and was thinking, “I’d like to have a room where I can just do anything I want, express in any way,” and then I thought, “um, why do I need a room, how about I start right now.” IN THE CAR. 

So, listening to my house music, I felt the inspiration move through my face, stretching it into all kinds of shapes. Stuck out my tongue. Exhaled a big fiery silent HAAAAAA and felt like a demon breathing fire. Eyes widened, my stare penetrated the license plate ahead.

After a few moments the expression passed. I was back to "regular" Laura, feeling a little lighter. I giggled at myself. 

How did the expression feel? 
Intense. Powerful. I felt, not human. In a way that felt so good. Different. In a new skin. Yes, I go back to my earlier assertion that there’s something constricting about acting “human.” 

And is it bad to act "human"? 
Not necessarily. 

I just feel delighted with awareness of my actions and habits.

And I’m new to this, but I’m thinking I can experience myself and the world from a richer place if I let down my walls, even my “human” ones. 

I of course understand I’m living in society. I'm not saying that I even want to run around wildly all the time. But when I’m honest with myself, there are so many moments I don’t need to be functioning from the small place I do. I'm relating to myself and others from a structure that is out of habit. Outdated. 

It's not a matter of humanness or non-humanness. It's - What feels the most real here? Underneath. When I pay attention. 

I may feel moved to buy a person a flower. My smaller, habituated mind would say, "No, don't spend the money. You don't even know the person. They might not even like you or accept the flower. And then you'll have gone out of your way for nothing." And - that could be true. The person may not accept my flower. And that's ok. 

Or if I have a lot to do and my habit is to feel tense inside, instead of channeling that intensity into stress, I may channel into WEIRD. I’ll explain. Normally when I have a ton to do, I feel overwhelmed and stressed and hardened. This feels really bad. I find myself feeling helpless, buried under the stress. And I find myself making unhealthy choices either during or after, to escape this crummy feeling.

But then tonight in the car, I was in traffic. It had been a long day. I felt this intense energy in me that I could have channeled into frustration, which is a strong habit for me. Just “stopping” the intensity didn’t feel like an option. Once energy is building in a certain way, I’ve found trying to stop it only has the reverse effect. 

And then I had that thought wishing I had a room to fully express my intensity and let it be weird. What is “weird” anyway, but DIFFERENT. Different from my routine. What is calling forth in this moment? And then the terradactal came through. Or, fire breathing dragon. Lol. Whatever it was. Fire breathing, glowing, piercing, clawing at the air with scales running through my fingers. 

And I felt lighter after. I’d released a lot of that energy in a way that left me feeling giddy. 

“I like hanging out with myself,” I thought in the car, laughing. "I'm having fun."

I continued the journey feeling the beats through my shoulders and chest. I started fist pumping and feeling the shake into my shoulders. Made some kind of crazy weaving design with my arms and fingers over the steering wheel (at the stop light). 

I let myself relax and surrender to a different way of being, the one that was calling itself forth, and it felt SO RELEASING.

I’ve lived so much of my life with this perfectionist attitude: 

“Don’t even try unless you’re going to be perfect, which you won’t be. So don’t try. You suck. Bam. Goodnight.”

And now I sit here in my bed writing. I feel expressions coming through my face. Here they come! 

Angry old geezer. Lizard. Turnip boy. Obsessive inside out girl. Lol. Lots of other faces that feel more fluid - don’t have names. 

Scratching my nails along my comforter. Feeling the cool soft folds bunch up under my fingertips. 

My big interest IN LIFE is to feel energy move through me organically. As in, I'm not forcing. Forcing feels bad, defeating, heavy. What feels so good to me is when I feel relaxed and open. I feel like a vessel through which I receive so many delightful experiences, and, intense expressions in a variety of flavors.  

I’m not looking to put on a show (not dissing anyone who is), but I am looking to be the clearest channel of whatever is moving through me. I want to let it reveal itself FULLY and ACTUALIZING (“actualizing” rather than “actualized” because we’re always growing, changing, transforming). 

When I'm wearing all these rigid walls within myself, telling myself that I must adhere to a certain pattern, I’m blocking off so much of this energy. And why have these rigid walls been in place? To protect me. That voice inside me says: “Do what they like, or else you won’t be loved.” But honestly, that hasn’t worked for me. I have love in my life and I have wonderful people and things that I am so grateful for. But, I also have been feeling this huge VOID… forever, really, or as long as I can remember. It’s been temporarily numbed at certain points in my life, but I am tired of avoiding it. “A” “void.” Oh my gosh: 

avoid  

A void 

If I avoid something, I’m creating a void. Woah. 
So here I am. Writing this blog is actually a breakthrough for me. Instead of going into the void to "a void" the tension, I'm curiously exploring it. And as I'm writing, I'm realizing that by pushing through my fear of sharing something that may isolate me in the eyes of others, I'm feeling confident, and calm. Honest expression is not about sharing to impress someone else. As much as I've known that theoretically for a long time, it's finally becoming true for me consciously. There is so much material here! And no one has to see it, ever. I may share, but it's not about that. I share if I think what I'm expressing may support someone else in honestly sharing. I'm not really sure how to end this blog, so, that's where I'll leave it.

tonight

So this is me
Soft foamy suds
Flirting with my feet
Roar of the wave
Quiet sheet of water rising high
Crashing down
White water tumbling across layers of its own body

So this me
Foamy suds kissing my feet
Hello
Orange juice sun
Sinking down behind the mountain
Cool breeze pillows falling into my cheek

So this is me
Seagull gently flapping wings, easily, flying, majestic,
Catching air
Working with it
Sandprints
Sinking in
Sliding arch
I can dig a hole in you
I can build you into a castle
You are mine to mold
And right now
You are holding me

Seagulls
Waves
Foam
Sun
Pink sky
And this mmmm vibration I make
Going mmmmm
Through this body
Touching this foam
Feeling this air
Watching with these eyes
Tiny white birds
Scurrying across the sand !

These ears
listening
to
Tiny chirps
Waves crashing

My tongue
sticks out into the mist
Nostrils smell the salt
This brain records
these findings
through exactly this
me

Honesty, Ch. 2 Fuck. 

Fuuuuuuuck. I feel so much pain. I want this to go my way so badly. I want to control this. And I can’t. And I’m hurting. I feel so much pain. Like a wall inside me. Hmm, is that wall the ‘wanting my way’ wall that I’m physically feeling? It feels like a block. Hmm. Is my focusing really hard on what I want a block? It seems like it is - a block to being present to what’s actually here. A block to what would actually be coming into my life if I didn’t have a wall up. Hmm. Does letting go of what I think I want create opening? 

Each time I think back to that thing that I want, I feel that wall form inside my chest again. Up to my throat. Sending out little pinges of tension throughout my arms and into my belly. 

And then letting go of that thing for a moment, taking my attention out of the wanting, the somewhere else, by acknowledging my longing experience here on paper, bringing my mind here and just accepting what’s actually happening now, me, sitting here, "boring," recording to myself the most real sensations I'm having feels… allowing. 

Longing feels like tension. Longing feels like an unbreakable wall. I feel small in it.

Focusing on what’s happening now - as uncomfortable and painful as it is - feels calming. And powerful. I feel power gathering here. In this landscape. Depth. Layers. Vastness, unknown. In these spaces. I feel warm energy building.

Honesty 

So after yet another failed romance, I find myself in a familiar place.
Oh the pain. That familiar, searing pain, like someone is stabbing a hot poker into my chest.

It was at an event two nights ago that something clicked - an event in which I crawled under a garage door into a sex positive orgasmic meditation coaching event, bra-less. I’d only intended to go to the local market, and just felt like being free. I almost didn’t because I hate it when men stare at me or my chest so I didn’t want to draw attention, but at the same time I didn’t want to deny myself freedom out of fear, so I just decided I’d stare back with fire in my eyes if I had any trouble. Of course this is the night I find myself crawling under a garage door (with 2 feet of space to clear), into a room full of strangers sitting in a circle, staring at me. Fortunately for them and me, they were all smiling warmly.

It was at this event that I got to experience from the outside what I’ve been doing my entire life. 

A volunteer client and coach were brought into the center of the circle. The coaching session was to be about whatever the client wanted support with in his life. The client shared that he felt troubled that he could not get his female friend to be ok with him being part of a practice that mattered to him. He wanted, no, needed her to be ok with him doing this practice, and he really wanted her to join in as well. 

"Isn't this about him?" I thought. "Why does he need her to do anything for him to be ok?" 

Lightbulb moment. 

"Why does this sound familiar?" I thought.

Hours earlier: Me, feeling drained, lifeless, waiting for the boy to call, or text, or contact me in some way. Show me in some way that he’s thinking of me. 

Nothing.

Me, drained, waiting, sad.

Me, days before: Feeling ok. Doing my thing. 

He texts and my mood bursts, joy, love, happiness, fulfillment, stars, tingles flood through me. 

I text back. Within hours the feeling of longing returns, at moments on the surface, most moments under the surface. I go back to doing my thing, feeling some tension in my mind and body. Some time goes by and I check my phone. I start to feel impatient. I feel sad. I begrudgingly go back to doing my thing, feeling ok, I guess. 

He texts. I feel a burst of happiness. (you get the picture)

Me in previous long-term loving relationship: When feeling love & attention from my partner I feel so happy and loved and full. Floods of tingles in moments when I'm really feeling acknowledged. General feeling of safety and warmth and contentment inside. 

When not feeling love & attention from my partner I feel this (depending on the intensity of my lack): sad, devastated, panicked, unsafe, destroyed, broken, empty, wanting to hurt myself in some other way to distract from the searing pain in my heart, lifeless wanting to die. 

What did I experience in watching this client and coach? If the client is needing his friend to show her acknowledgement in order for him to be ok, that means there’s some part of him that doesn’t believe it's ok. He's needing her permission to tell him he's ok for doing the practice.

What did I see in myself watching this? Here I was, waiting for my latest romantic interest to text back. It had been 3 days and I was feeling panicked. My own groundedness felt totally shaky. The life energy seemed to be draining from me. I felt lethargic and empty. I needed him to text me, to contact me in some way in order for me to feel ok. 

Hold on a moment. I needed this person to text me and in essence, tell me I’m ok (by his acknowledging me), in order for me to be ok. 

LIGHTBULB. If I’m needing him to contact me in order for me to be ok, there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe I’m ok. I'm waiting for his permission to confirm that I'm ok.

I'm giving my power to a person outside myself, letting him or her decide if I'm ok, and I'm basing how I feel about myself on THAT!

So how do I ACTUALLY feel about myself, without the stimulation and energy of an outside person? 

Well, I can see this from how I feel when he (or she) doesn’t call, and hasn’t called for days. This is the moment when I feel most alone with myself. Not feeling love from any outside source.
This is it. THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. 

::long pause::

Woah. Reality.

I have for some reason blocked off my own channels of loving myself.
However, my channels of feeling loved through a romantic interest’s love or attention are wide open, or at least they feel that way for some span of time.
So literally the only way I am feeling love for myself is through someone else ‘loving’ or appreciating me. Um, kind of dangerous? No wonder I’ve literally felt like I wanted to die when past relationships ended. 

I literally felt myself as I perceived the other person saw me. So when I couldn’t feel their love anymore, I felt - loveless. Empty. 

This is how I feel about myself, honestly, without outside stimulation. 

Woah, no wonder I’ve been attracting partners where I end up in this position. If this crying mess is actually how I feel about myself, even if someone appreciates me for a while, I won't let it last. My core belief will always rise above and bring me back to feeling how I most authentically feel towards myself.

I stood last night leaning against my mantle, staring at myself in the mirror for a long time. After a while the crying simmered down. And there I was. For the first time, I just took my time looking, curious. 

"This is where I am." I realized.
After some time I felt kind of cozy in this spot. Looking at myself in the mirror with no judgement, no agenda. Everything felt neutral. 

Seeing my outer form, and feeling the void inside, and noticing my breathing, all of it calm and neutral, I felt this warm energy around me. It felt like relaxation.

I wrote in my journal just to mark where I currently stand.
Acknowledging where I am without judgment feels calming. Like this calm after a storm. It feels clearing. I feel ready. I feel myself gearing up for my next steps.

I wonder if some people are going to read this and feel sad or scared for me, or feel the need to give me advice. If you feel that need, I ask you to please keep it to yourself. I am actually fantastic. Not happy and joyful, but present. Alive. Learning about myself. Subtly and not so subtly seeing, feeling, discovering, revealing, absorbing. My only goal right now is to be as awake as I can in each moment. 

If you have your own story of honesty I would love to hear it in the comments below, in person, or in any other forum. Something I am feeling so good about in my life right now is community. Community of open, loving people being raw and honest. Scaring ourselves (and maybe our families) with how vulnerable we are.
 

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